Monday, July 28, 2008

Typing Ninja Hunter


This game is bad. It makes me feel like I'm playing through a coarse of Type to Learn.


The goal is to go through the levels by typing words that appear over the attacking ninjas heads. What I wanted to do was tell those words to fuck right off, jump down off the building and start cutting of their heads. Instead, I was forced to type 3-6 letter words as super fast as I could. YYES!

I guess I can see the challenge if you really couldn't type, at all. But, I can almost grantee you, you won't find to many of those people hanging around online gaming sites. I'm pretty surprised Greg decided to make a badge for this game actually, and even more that there's a card for it. That's what we get for whining about Monsters' Den!

Looking at the positive side; the opposite of this boring shitty game, I liked when the ninjas threw stars and you had to type a single letter to get rid of them. They were quick, if I had a lot of shit on the screen and one of these were let loose, I'd smashing every key on my keyboard hoping I'd HUYA that fucker down. This did add some excitement to the game, so +1 Ninja Hunter.

Ninja Hunter is another one of those, play for the badges/cards and never come back. The idea was good, the graphics and sound is there, but typing games will never be that fun. This game is the kind of fun you'd get while sitting in your basement typing with the monitor off as fast as you can. Then, after 10 minutes someone throws you a cookie with a sticker, HELL YA!

If you're on Kongregate to have some fun, stay the fuck away from Ninja Hunter. On the other hand if you want to be the king of Kongregate, get ready for 15 seconds of fun and one step closer to developping carpels tunnel syndrome. 1 santa hat out of 5.


The Last Stand 2

5 Levels of fucking blowing off heads, ripping off legs and planting land mines; you've got yourself The Last Stand 2. Now, this is the kind of flash game I want to play. None of this typing words to win or moving your mouse over Doeos bullshit. THIS is actually fun and THIS is what I'll be reviewing.



You have 40 day's to kick some ass and make it to Union city. In the mean time, you'll be going from town to town gathering supplies and finding weapons/items. The challange comes with the types of zombies. Some zombies are dressed with bullet proof vests and a helmet, some are fat as shit, and others run across the screen at you. Oh ya, there are also zombie dogs. With all of this charging at you, there's no time to fuck around.
Along the way, you'll find survivors that can be equpied with weapons you've found. Careful, if a zombie has a weapon and gets to close, he'll take your survivor right the fuck out. One thing you'll notice while playing is that the accuracy can be pretty shitty. You might have the crosshair right on someones head, but you'll end up hitting someone else's leg way behind him, or not hitting him at all! When you're taking on some heat and this happens 2-3 times in a row, you're ready to tell TLS to fuck right off and insert your keyboard into the wall. Although this happens a lot, the games so fun you're going to keep on playing.

The visuals are great. There's blood everywhere, limbs all over the ground. C'mon, you shoot holes into their heads! The sound effects and music keep you're eyes glued to the screen. The zombies make some gnarling sounds while running at you, something like that sorta grabs your attention. The selection of weapons is good and the traps add some strategic gameplay.


You'll most likely breeze through the stages, up until Jonestown. This is the final stage and it packs some serious shit. You could save up on supplies to simply pass right through this town, but you're not a pussy, you've got some serious flash skill. Saving up traps really doesn't make a difference, you could use them all up the first level and watch the waves of zombies keep coming. The amount of shit that comes your way is, well, a lot of shit. If your survivors are dying and you're barely getting through to the next day, get the fuck out of there and get your Kongregate badge.

This is the kind of game you'd find yourself playing even if it didn't come with pixel rewards. Great game.

Challenge



What is it about zombies taking down helicopters? Kill 500 zombies between you and Union City to unlock the Blood Vial card.

500 zombies killed

Achievements



101 Damnations Badge (easy – 5 points)
Kill 101 damn dirty zombies in The Last Stand 2

Party of Five Badge (medium – 15 points)
Band together with 4 other survivors in The Last Stand 2

Dawn of the Alive Badge (medium – 15 points)
Make your way to Union City in The Last Stand 2

PLAY IT


Hedgehog Launch


Unlike other badges on Kongregate, you'll be getting these few with luck. Yes, luck. Theres really very little skill that can go into reaching space in 5 or less days. The only thing you can do is hope that you're going to run into yellow platforms when you sling your Hedge up.

Distributing your money can certainly make a difference. Are some shitty shades going to shoot you up 4 thousand feet into the air? No, probably not. I focused on 4 upgrades: your Band, Launcher, Rocket Pack, and eventually the E-Rocket. Hedge hogs, rocket packs, ELASTIC BANDS, FUCK YA! Since luck does play such a huge factor, I'm not going to tell you when you should upgrade and where you should zoom around. Instead, I made a video of me reaching space in 4 day's. More of a guideline then a guide.

You would think 4 day's would almost be enough to get me into the all time highscores. Well not exactly, the highscores on Kongregate are a piece of ass, I'm pretty sure the top score is something like 0 days.





Ya, I was right.



Pygmy Pioneer Badge – 5 points
Enter space in 50 days or fewer

Hedgie Glider Badge – 15 points
Reach space in 10 days or fewer

Minovian Hero Badge – 30 points
Reach space in 5 days or fewer

I know you can't expect to much with a flash game, but I would at least expect a fucking restart button. Having to refresh my browser 30 times trying to get the Minovian Hero badge was really shitty. That, and my frustration didn't cope well. Between the browser refreshing and the hoping for the best, you'll just be in it for the points, and be glad when it's over. A mediocre score for a mediocre game, 3 out of 5.





Construction


Right now I'm fixing up the banner, template, and adding a few reviews and guides I've written but never got around to posting. There seems to be a lot of activity with Kongregate (more badges a challanges a week). Hopefully this keeps up =). I need to update the old posts and post my Kongai guide.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Nano Wars

After a few tries with Nano Wars I finally completed all 14 levels. If you've got a mouse and one good eye you should breeze through this game, up until level 12. This level will piss you off till you shit through your chair. Luckily I'm here to vent for you and walk you through it.


Walkthrough

The goal here is to wipe out those green shit nanos. Each bubble is a little cell, and generates units according to the color that are living in it. Bigger cells generate units faster. To take over a cell, click on your cell then click on your opponents'. You'll send over half the units that occupy the cell your attacking with. Basically, click your man and send him out to kick some ass. Easy enough, so let's get started!

I was going to type it all out, but I thought it would be better to just show you.

Rewards

If viruses and Napoleon have taught us anything, it's that the deadliest of threats can often be the tiniest.Complete level 9




Tiny Victory Badge (easy – 5 points)
Complete level 3 in Nano War

Microscopic Mayhem Badge (hard – 30 points)
Complete all 14 levels in Nano War

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Tiger-Heli, Tiger-Hell of a piece of shit for a game





Taking a first glance at the cartridge, it looks like a pretty kick ass game. There’s a helicopter shooting fucking lazer beams at a tank. C’mon! I was seizure with excitement walking home with this baby. Coming back to the game years later, I brought with me the determination to kick some ass and to put this game under my belt.

No lie, it wasn’t so bad. You had bombs, you had a main gun, there were tanks everywhere, you could blow up airplanes and what looked like helium tanks, FUCK YEAH, I WAS ROCKIN’ ! I can’t remember how many times I died trying to beat the game, it was definitely a challenge, but eventually got there. Instead of your classic beat the boss at the end getting a congratulatory message, I flew right back to the beginning of the game. No pause, no message, no boss, the game just starts right over, what the shit is this? Ready to snap my controller in half, I put on the emulator, infinite health and sped up the game in an effort to find the ending.

Ya, I never did find an ending to the game. I remember as a kid trying to beat this, it’s such a disappointment knowing it was for nothing. What’s the point in playing a game? To get the satisfaction of winning and beating it, well what the hell happened here? Overall, I liked the sound effects, I liked the game play and controls, definitely a good game for it’s time. Considering the fact you can never actually beat it, is a bunch of shit which backs up my rating of 3.5.

Don’t waste anymore than 10 minutes with this game, if any. Knowing what’s ahead is discouraging and will leave you feeling like you’ve wasted your fucking time. If you want some challenge with an actual purpose, pop in Abadox, Rescue Rangers or Legendary Wings. Not to forget about the popular games like Castlevania or MegaMan.

Stay the fuck away from Tiger-Heli!